A man walks into a cage.

Picture yourself,

You are in a 30 foot across and 6-foot-high cage. Cage. It is octagonal in shape. You are encapsulated by ring fencing that is there for your safety. Safety. To stop you falling out or being thrown out. There are two doors that you enter in and will leave from. In the capacity of your choosing. Victor, slumped unconscious, carried out on a stretcher, you decide. I decide Victor. There are three inhabitants inside your temporary abode. One whose rule is law and the other, the other, whose face you ignore. Scratch that out of your retina, fire bomb that out of your mind, scrawl across their face, for they are no one worth knowing, not even worthy of human status, he is between you and your prize. You are nervous and awaiting the start. Your internalizing it all. But your leg can’t help to shake.

Stop.

Picture yourself again,

You are still in the same cage. You hear screams, cheers, the voice in your head has been crowded out by the pandemonium. And in this situation, you now find yourself in, you have no time to think. Your legs are unable to move, held down by the 156-pound entity on top of you. As is your right arm, pinned down underneath their torso. This leaves you with your left arm, pathetic in its solitariness, to defend your head. It rains down upon you. One, two, three, four. A steady rhythm this time. Sometimes they strike fast, slow, hard, full-on Richter scale busting of your jaw or, if you are lucky, hitting your neck or your ear. It will sting and ring but will eventually subside. Your breathing is rushed and scared. You need to calm it down. The panic must be unimaginable. Your mind must be fearing the worst. There is no way out, however much you wriggle, pin back your hips, try to shoot on them, roll and attempt to flip him off, they are patient and prepared, trained for all your deviations, all your foolhardy attempts at escape. Nothing will work. The punches keep up their pummelling, metronomic. The one whose rule is law, takes a peek at your predicament and shouts thirty seconds. Okay. You have to keep breathing, slowly, no panic, calm and protect your head. You must get to the break. A chance to regroup, more importantly just get out of this hold. Your arm is getting tired from acting as this flimsy shield. It is sore from the punches it is taking. You are frustrated and embarrassed by how events have gone, the affront to your honour. I should do better. I must do it. You promise yourself this. It won’t happen again. You need to regroup. Prepare yourself for the onslaught you are about to wage upon your enemy. You must never let them do that to you again. You must knock them out in one punch or kick. Whatever. Do it. Anything. A distant buzzer goes.

This is why I would never do UFC/MMA. It astounds my brain, the courage and fearlessness of body and mind of those competing within it, and I offer my deepest respects for those willing to put themselves through this. It disturbs me yet there is a slither of perversion to it. The opportunity to test yourself, place yourself in the line of harm. The repurposing of our gladiatorial instinct that was lost some time ago for a modern, similarly fucked up audience. Without the lions and tigers. Sadly.

Song of the Day #3

Primal Scream- Loaded (Andy Weatherall Mix)

Link to music video.

This choice is attributed to my Father. A man with such an extensive and vociferous love of music. A gargantuan love that adores the minute technical details of his favourite songs, to the recounting of the wonderful escapades of his heroes and the deep belly laughter he would conclude them with, figures that throughout our conversations always seemed to my naïve self, no mere mortals but rather anti-gods, men and women whom meagre rules did not apply to, whose debauchery would astound me, as well as prompt sincere respect at the ability of their constitutions to take a beating and keep enduring, day after day. I have been very fortunate with both my parents and all the gifts they have imparted upon me, but I will be forever grateful for bestowing this passion of music onto me.

We were driving together recently, and as is my Father’s nature, he will bring a variety of CD’s to occupy his mind. To halt the rot of ennui on his brain, protecting him in a bubble of escapism from the numbing sensation of grey tarmac, grey clouds and the occasional whiff of pig shite. After a few misses, we found hidden away in a case the magnum opus Screamadelica. I could and should join the pantheon of writers to laud the brilliance of this album, and maybe I will do at a later day. But the specific moment that reverbed across the spectrum of my mind was as soon as the recording of Henry Fonda’s stentorian declaration crackled onto the speakers. A war cry you could ascribe it. The challenge to us all, to pursue joy, to seek pleasure and sensuality and indulge ourselves now and again. I was hooked and sucked in, my mind shed its concerns about financial insecurity, living arrangements, maintaining friendships. In its place, simply optimism and hope. For seven minutes. Unadulterated heaven. The cyclical nature of it lulls me like a foetus in a cocoon of warm amniotic fluid, blissful in my unawareness of the world and shite around me, the guitars spike at this, riffing, stabbing light into my sack, and when the moment is ripe, the introduction of a gospel choir lifts me into the heavens. A convincing enough analogy for the effects of heroin if there ever there was one.

People talk about how certain moments within your lives are framed perfectly within your memory by the songs that were playing in the background. At the end of our lives, we will all have a soundtrack that will charter all the key moments, the rises and falls, the brilliance and depressing downs of our own biopics. And listening to Loaded on that grey, wet road will be forever ensconced within my mind. Because I was happy, my worries had all been banished, and I was with my Dad.

What’s the Japanese for ‘I have a spot on my penis’?

Before the eyes of the medical community of Higashi Funabashi, my little suburb away from Tokyo, amidst the old ladies coughing coquettishly into their handkerchiefs, and the men, all nasal, hacking and hollering all over the place, right in front of their desk, stood a bespectacled foreigner with curly, red hair with a big, benign, (although at the time deeply disconcerting), pimple on his average, definitely a grower, knob.

I was taken to a back room, as discreetly as possible, they might as well have put a black bag over my head, to keep me away from the prying vultures of the waiting area, I was seated and left to my own devices, in a small, claustrophobic room at the back of the health centre. My head spinning with conspiracies and fears of how I was going to get kicked out of the country, the government were onto me, everybody would know, I would be done for. Everything and everyone were a potential threat. This was not the right establishment for YOUR ILK, the walls and the medical equipment surrounding me crowed, their lips puckering their discontent and disgust towards me, the foreign invader, the leach here for the social security and premium standard of living, and all I had given, my contribution, was the rate of syphilis to bump upwards in the next census.

When the doctors returned, and my breathing subsided to normalcy, I was plugged with questions to my intentions and the reason behind my impromptu visit. The immediate intensity of their questions shocked me, as if I was a prospective son-in-law rocking up with a fetching mullet, piercings aplomb and the words ‘UNEMPLOYABLE’ imprinted across my forehead. I tried to explain calmly the reasons for entering their lives on this dull Tuesday mid-afternoon. However, Google Translate could only work so fast. Classy I know. They wait expectantly in a very patient, subtle and polite way, as I type the words into my phone.  The shock I got from their faces when penis apparated upon the screen, suggested subliminally that maybe I was in the wrong place. Upon reading my plea for help, the sympathy I had hoped for was non-existent and not forthcoming. Their laughter nearly crushed me. Looking back however, with hindsight truly the best of friend to us all, I should have taken this as a sign to relax myself and not to think too deeply about the predicament I had found myself in, but the morose, over thinker, stressed part of my being had taken over. Fear of everything and their cat was the order of the day.

After some brief discussion between the staff over me and my problem, they kindly put me in the right direction, a map in my pocket, and with the remnants of a lone chuckle fading from my earshot I set off.

At this point, I thought the nerves and paranoia had been sedated, but as I got closer to this new clinic, they rode those brain waves for all their worth, rising, rising, rising and then crashing down with the latest hypochondriac raving of what exactly my problem was. I just didn’t want to have that awkward chat, it wouldn’t be pretty, no fun whatsoever. I would be cast out, beyond reproach, I would sit in a special corner of restaurants, where people would look tenderly but harshly in my direction, a fable to children to keep their bits in check, otherwise they too would have their eyelids plopping into their miso soup at dinner time, blood and green ooze peppering out of all orifices, perfect synchronization, a solid 8.6.

Anyways, I climb the stairs of the clinic and find myself transported to the gauche 1970s. Or what I imagined the fashionistas would have declared THE RIGHT LOOK for their epoch. All marble fittings, tiles a delicate crème colouration, tailored to co-exist, perfect Feng Shui, with the dusty pink seating arrangements. The place smelt like gossip. The women behind the desk, regaling all the new customers whispering about all the horrendous skin legions. Don’t look at her! Her, with the Louis Vuitton bag! She has the most atrocious bunions! Doctor had to get them off with pliers! I smile and give my information, trying to be charming, remember me this way I almost utter in faux-tragedy. I am seated and watch TRAINS OF JAPAN the Movie. It reminded me of the men and their tripods photographing the trains in Kashiwa station adoringly. My name is called. I walk into a wide, white room. There seems a disproportionate number of people inside, all older ladies dressed in pink, nurses’ uniform, sexy. If the inhabitants weren’t all rubbery grannies. The dermatologist sits. I move around in my chair, uncomfortable at the formality of the situation, it seems too proper to have this conversation. And there are still way too many people in here. He has a good head of hair, the dermatologist, very nice rug, it looks smooth and is well polished. He is a very nice man. Perfect son-in-law material. His English is professional and clipped, but I detect a slight stroke of unease, as if he knew what was to come sprawled out of my mouth, accompanied by the diseased spittle, sullying the air in the process. I guess, the wall’s do really have ears and they do tend to talk to their brethren in other locations.

“So, what is the problem?”

“I have a pimple on my penis, I haven’t had sex, honest…it’s been there about a day, it’s a bit dry looking…”

His hands and eyes tell me that he has seen this before. And that he is not looking forward to the next part. I am led into a corresponding room, resembling a cell, and whack my kit off faster than I have ever done before. There is a soft knock at the door. The doctor enters. We kiss…No, he seats me, and tenderly pushes his finger into my penis.

“You have acne on you willy, put some cream onto it and it will go away.”

I forget the rest.

 

Songs of the Day #2

I’ve decided to go crazy and give you two songs today. Both British artists and

both

fucking

brilliant.

A2- Mirrors

Link to music video

A song about a “GIRL”. I’m not trying to rip off the hyper-irony peddled to the hyper-ironic hypebeasts pledged for life to the OFF WHITE Cult. But I am talking about a girl who has ‘it’, and now him in her grasp, with her being completely twisting his mind. Accompanied by an electronic beat that pulsates like an artificial organ, the causality of it led me to feel inebriated by the intensity it induces whilst playing it at high volume. He knows that this will only end in strife and anguish, as he prophesises the tragedy ahead “You’ve got it then flaunt it, just make sure they know that it’s mine”. You can predict their relationship’s doom from this breathy utterance with his insecurities laid bare for us, the avid consumer of relationship drama.

Lee Scott and Sam Zircon- Melting

Link to music video

“I am the Walrus, I’m the Egg man, I’m Syd Barrett…” I love that line. Featuring Jak Tripper, Jam Baxter and Danny Lover, this song is an epic. Lee Scott is a genius. Check him out, alongside the rest of his BLAH records affiliates. Psychedelic, twisted wordplay over moving, introspective instrumentals that twinkles in the night sky, with “Made in BREXITland” stamped across its foaming face.

 

 

Mesut Özil

I thought I would jump on the bandwagon and offer my two-bit on a conversation that enraptures football fans around the globe.

 Is Mesut Özil a good player? Does he fit in the Premiership? Is he too lazy? I will detail my theory upon the matter.

ozil

A defence offered of Mesut Özil. I believe him to be one of the most lambasted, ridiculed and besmirched individuals in world football. His style appears facile, too whimsical for these meat and potatoes, stiff upper lipped, acerbic pundits. But, I think they are missing the point. Mesut Ozil is one, if not the last, of the great number 10’s playing today within the higher echelons of world football.

In a world gone obsessed with mechanical power running, high pressure play, physicality and players whose facilities have been ironed and drilled to be capable of fulfilling a range of roles within the team unit; Özil appears to be an anomaly. He disappears they say, too lightweight, he offers no defensive shift, he doesn’t tackle, he doesn’t run fast enough they cry. Yet, what one must understand, Ozil was not bought for these purposes. He is not the biggest, nor the quickest, although he is no slouch I must add. He offers something more delicate, mercurial and poised that harks back to fond memories of legends such as Bergkamp, Zidane to name my favourites. When Arsenal attack, in the sometime forward yet often sideways procession around an opponent’s penalty area, who is often with the ball? Mesut Ozil. His role is to cajole the teams attacking cogs, to oil and whip them into life. This is his field of play.  A defender whom spent more time in the midfield and opponent’s territory would be criticized from heaven to earth for a lack of tactical discipline, so why does Özil whom was bought for the conducting of the attack be held to the same exacting standards and expected to fulfil roles outside of his brief and remit. It is his eyes, his view of the possibility of space, what appears in front of him and yet could so easily disappear in a moment, the twitching of his brain’s synapses in which to imagine the intelligent, threatening runs of his teammates to meet his strokes of the football. This is what Arsenal bought him for. The great unlocker, magician, a floating, gliding, striding visionary.

Yes, it could and should be argued that his is a burdensome and unnecessary position. All players must play for the team, they must be able to tackle, pass, shoot, cover, track back, fill in at left back when the need arises, all to varying degrees of success. However, and this may be the romantic inside clawing away at me, I would rather watch an Ozil than a Henderson or a Milner. That is no slight on either, they are integral, blunt instruments within a well-tailored system. But Özil. Özil is a joy, on his day, unplayable, unstoppable, chimerical. I remember fondly, a favourite video to watch on YouTube when bored and seeking a lift, Arsenal’s match versus Manchester United in the 2015/16 season. (Link to Video, ARS vs MU). Ozil moving, abuzz, a team around him that has clicked into his frequency of thought, everyone running at full tilt, dragging the opponents into uncomfortable positions, confusion and uncertainty spreading infectious amongst their ranks, do they press, do they sit back, who do they go tight on, let’s just get to half time. And Özil, the instigator of the controlled and beautiful chaos. There is an epicurean delight that swells within me when Ozil possesses the ball. His stance may seem haphazard, lacking the predatory pulse of a Sanchez or a Salah, with their eyes hungry and hankering for the slenderest of opportunities, but there is a suaveness, an aloofness that I admire. The way he wanders the pitch, ghostlike, a siren to the potential space, looking, searching for it amongst the blur of defensive structures and faceless bodies drilled in rigidity. He may not appear to be in line with the flavour of the month tactics and personnel that possesses teams and coaches today. But play to his strengths, give him support, and a unit behind him capable and sacrificial, crunching tackles, swift, aggressive interceptions, to deliver the ball to Ozil. This is where he is at his most dangerous, on the edge, reactionary, opponents unsure, their minds distracted momentarily by the change of play, Özil regaling the space now afforded him by their human error, a diagonal pass, a forward pass, a slaloming run, a delicious through ball, all executed in milliseconds, flicks, tricks and all that lays between. This is the football that I want to watch, and it is truly beautiful on its day.

 

Song of the DAY #1

Julien Baker- Appointments

Link to music video

 

This song is off her 2017 album ‘Turn Out the Lights’. What originally drew me to this was her choice of artwork, the strokes of different shades of paint were nice and made a very beautiful flower.  The sepals and petals of this flower, attached to a blackened stem, were all intriguing turns and flourishes of purple, blue, varying in lightness and dark stretches. This made me think a bit and I went fairly wild with my attempts and brainstorming to draw some form of comprehensible mad-fan-theory from a picture and the music I had heard, so bear with me. The job of the sepal is to protect the budding flower’s head, the most delicate and precious commodity, so that new flowers can grow from the seeds secreted away. The interior is being hidden from the outside world, and through the course of the album I thought that maybe Ms. Baker through making her album is expressing, revealing things that previously may have been hidden from view, stripping the layers back. That during life and generally day to day, we hide things away, shackling our words, like the action of a sepal, away from the exposure of light and  friends and family around us. We keep it inside. Our internal monologue and the contents of our brain are the sole keepers of thoughts, stresses, anguish.  So I thought as I listened that this this is Julien Baker showing us herself, tearing away at the self-imposed restraints, unafraid of the potential of mocking, condemnation, over-zealous worry or concern, she shows all of her being be it good or bad.

I chose the song ‘Appointments’, with its delicate sounding and very simple arrangement, because I liked how it was structured. It gave her voice the platform to express what she wanted, to tell her story, confessing to the problems that plague her. What meant the most to me was how she detailed feelings that I often feel consume me everyday. The idea of disappointing people and not being the person sometimes others want or remembers you to be is something I concern myself with regularly, so my feelings and the guilt that often wracks me when I believe myself to not live up to the expectations of those I care about, it felt like this ideal had been put into words. I really liked it.

Cock Fight

12th September 2016.

A recollection of something I saw in Rincon del Mar, a small fishing village about two and a half hours from Cartagena on the Northern Coast of Colombia.

The words swirl around my head as I blink the remnants of sleep out of my eyes.

You what, excuse me.

Do you want to go to a cock fight, Arturo just said it starts in about twenty minutes.

The bearded Australian sitting opposite to me, points to a red building to the left of the wooden bench we are seated on, in the direction of an absolute treat of a fish restaurant, home to the most exquisite thick cut plantain chips, where an ever-growing crowd were lingering. My mind and body jolt speedily into response.

I’ll go get my camera.

I manage to mangle these words out whilst also turning and running up the stairs. I climb two, three stairs at a time. I climb the sand encrusted, oily coloured wood into the rafters where my bed is located. I grab my camera, flick the cover, and hurtle once more down the stairs, no longer concerned about hitting my head on the low-lying poles keeping the roof in place, or the potential of falling, cracking my skull and watching frozen, paralysed as my brain oozes out, causing an already overworked cleaner more hassle in her morning duties.

We approach across the pale sand; my step was somewhat cautious. The sound and vibrancy of the setting quickly metastasized throughout my person. It was evident amongst the men around me, their volume, the way they butted in to each other’s conversations, eager to have their opinions, their wisdom heard and appreciated, that a quite palpable excitement was rising diapirically over the possibility of the morning’s activities. More and more men, ages ranging from as young as 8 to late 30s, were being drawn like flies to rotting fruit to the sounds and growing commotion around the red restaurant.

Amidst all the burgeoning ruckus, I become aware of the morning’s competitors. They cluck incessantly but they remain still, calm, which surprises me. The two camps, or trainers to befit the pugilist analogy I am trying to maintain, keep them settled and stationary as they apply their weaponry. A long, curved hook that glints with menace is tied to the cock’s leg. At this point, I am still oblivious to the nature, rules, the codes of conduct of the fight which will conclude with the victor’s hook latched into his opponent’s skull. Thus, helping to fulfil the villagers need for sport and perhaps more sinisterly, to sate humanities base and primal intrigue for blood sports. Both sides are totally absorbed in the readying of their cock. Within one corner, a boy no more than 8, is tentatively and delicately stroking his pet at a steady rhythm, ridding any anxiety within the thoracic curve before the fight. The two cocks are quite differing creatures. One brown and one black. The brown, whose plumage is well defined, it looks larger, its shoulders and legs appear more powerful. Whereas the black is streamlined, smaller, less feathers. This one has my attention. In my layman’s understanding of what this deadly struggle will entail, I view size as a vital tool in the upcoming fight, the cock’s capability for agile, swift movement, may be crucial in the crazed dance of cockfighting. Suddenly, as my poetic waxing about the art of this barbaric ritual was fully taking hold of my internal monologue, the owners of these two respective beasts, pluck them from their reassuring molly coddlers and start to swing them towards one another.  As they get closer they lunge at their opponent, as if to develop a taste or tease the audience for the fight ahead. And from here, I realise that the tension and excitement has reached optimum.

We move. Like a pack of dogs we head towards a more secluded area of the beach. It’s a picturesque morning, but I have no care for the environment, I feel engrossed and my natural curiosity is at its peak, eagerly anticipating what is about to happen. A circle forms with the two corners in the middle, still holding their prized assets, accompanied by the local bookmakers. They holler prices with the crowd crowing back. An orchestra of the gravely voices of the men, their fishing boats waiting faithfully by the shore for another arduous day of patience, whose experience and knowledge of these events have granted them front-row privileges alongside youthful, adolescent baritones, behind them as befitting their lowly status, fill the air, excited to be a part of this man’s pursuit, surrounded by their friends. And me, way outside the inner machinations, at the bottom of the village’s distinct hierarchical system, an eager observer, crooning for a better view of proceedings. They lay their wagers on their favourites, fingers jabbing and flicked in a dramatic flourish, in disgust or happiness I never can quite tell, the bookies scribbling quickly figures and names, exchanging coins, notes, IOUs, promises of material enrichment, before they are shooed off by the demanding crowd.

At this point, the cocks are beginning to strain and move restlessly within the confines of their carer’s embrace. They attempt to peck at their opponent, as if feeding off the frenzy that the crowd is supplying. The loudness and the confined space they are forced to endure, unnatural to these free-roaming beings, is causing distress and frustrations are boiling over. I almost feel guilty for them, yet this sentiment is swept away in the event and theatricality of how this morning is turning out that I do not think about it too much.

Then a temporary silence. The young trainers, the hangers-on, the remaining bookmakers desperate to make a piece from the action, leave the self-constructed ring. All that is left is the two owners and their cocks, whom at the count of three unceremoniously drop their prized possessions onto their wretched claws, hightailing it out of harms way to an accompaniment of a rising wall of sound from the spectators. The cocks circle, pecking aggressively at the air, like that of a boxer discovering his reach, the captivated audience compelling them onwards. And then, the fight descends into a blur. Both cocks entangle themselves in one another, attempting to gain leverage and a position of tenable control over their opponent. In the process of doing so, momentarily it looks like they are forming a disgusting, twisted creature, something whispered about to scare the children that has haunted generation after generation here in Rincon del Mar. They fly a few centimetres from the ground, their battle taking on an aerial theatre, hitting into one another. There is a form of deranged beauty to it. The crazed movements of the two, the wildness of their techniques, no order, precision, simply reactionary, terrified chaos. Returning to the sand, the peck appears to now be the devastating weapon of choice. The black, a real bruiser, is using its weight advantage, getting up close and personal and tearing into the brown’s feathers, they are scattered around the battleground. But with the brown’s ability to contort and move his body in a variety of quickfire directions, neck craning, he is repeatedly getting himself into a position to target the black who is not quick enough to defend and repel the attacks.

The cocks continue to scramble over one another, attempting to harness an advantage, somewhere, somehow. The crowd as if now a living, pulsing organism constricts as anticipation over a possible killer blow rises and then constrains as the action comes to nothing. At this point, my vision of what is going on is diminishing, the crush of the circle pushing me further from the action, as if subliminally telling me this is serious now, you have had your fun, but this is not your place, go back to the safety of the PC gringos, talking about their private schools and what type of techno they like. But I must stay, I must know what will happen.

Tiredness is starting to descend. The fight has gone on for five minutes, the cocks are losing focus. You can see it in the conviction of their movements, what once was stinging, vicious, has now become lethargic. Their animalistic need to defend what they regard as their territory is slowly becoming attrition. This is spreading amongst the crowd, what once were shouts of encouragement are now ones of dismay and frustration that their morning has been wasted, with these fakers, these phonies not doing what they were supposed to do. Shouts to end the fight are becoming common. The sand coated in feathers, both black and brown, and droplets of scarlet make for an interesting impression. Enough! One of the trainer’s wades to the front and plucks his cock from the ring. It is finished. Done. All bets are off. The bookies scurry away with whatever they have managed to muster. You won’t see them for a while, found later this week deep in with a honey and a bottle of Aguardiente, people’s money, no sign of that Mister. I’ve never even seen a cock fight. What village are you from? Never been that way, I’m from the South, see compadre. Do I know you?

The cocks are returned to the safety of their young chaperones, who take them into their embrace reassuring them that their day’s work is now complete. The crowd slowly disperses, walking back to their homes, mumblings for a potential rematch, whispers lost over the incoming waves and the speaker down the beach that has been cranked into activity, blowing minds with Reggaeton.